For the 30+ years I was a devout member of the Mormon church, I was skilled at creating the smokescreen of a happy LDS home, as I was expected to do. Behind closed doors, however, it was a nightmarish hell.

Over the years I spent as a Mormon, I experienced all of the following as I attempted to repress my true emotions: low self-worth, body dysmorphia, disordered eating, panic attacks, perfectionism, scrupulosity, sexual dysfunction, self-harm (cutting), drug and alcohol use (as a coping mechanism after leaving the church) and physical problems like esophageal spasms, bouts of pneumonia due to exhaustion, and stress-related seizures.

​Despite all this, after marrying at 19, I still managed to graduate university with a BS in English, earn an MA in Education, receive a special education endorsement, and teach middle school. I owned a large dance academy for twelve years and worked insane hours to financially support my family.

Due to the large volume of people I interacted with in my community, I was relatively well-known in the area. This exposure helped my business, but maintaining a shiny image was vital to my continued success, and I was constantly on display. I hid ugly truths that might tarnish my reputation in both the LDS and local communities, and covered for, enabled, and hid my narcissistic Mormon husband’s bad behavior, criminal activities, abuse, anger, addictions and manipulation as well as my own unhealthy, self-destructive coping mechanisms.

My kids and I have spent the last 6 years following my divorce and their dad’s arrest for domestic violence, harassment, and “threat to kill” grieving all we lost. We walked away from everything, relocated to AZ, and started a quiet life alone, where we could bond, breathe, and heal. I dismantled my previous image of an ideal family, and created one that no longer included a father. We moved to Phoenix, in the hopes of rising from the proverbial ashes.

Now, I'm a bit of an armchair-activist. I run an Instagram account @recoverfromreligion to educate others on spiritual abuse. I think about all the bishops I went to for help, who turned their back, told me things "weren't that bad" and sent me home to "forgive" my abuser once again. I often think about the five women around my age that I spent time with in my old ward when our children were young. I think of the private anguish we all endured while we endeavored to raise "righteous" kids in the church and pretend we had it “all together” while we were all falling apart, and too afraid to talk to each other.

Despite our best efforts, the elusive LDS dream ended in disaster for each of us. Four out of the five of us were married to narcissistic, spiritually abusive mormon men. Some of these women’s experiences were even more horrific than mine. I believe this patriarchal spiritual abuse is a silent epidemic in the LDS church, and if it remains behind closed doors, it will continue. We all ended up divorced and publicly denigrated by our respective narcissistic exes.

I host and create content for a youtube channel, facebook page and instagram account dedicated to providing resources for those suffering from abuse-related PTSD, including spiritual abuse. I’m incredibly passionate about this subject, and hope to help as many people as I can find the happiness that exists outside of toxic religions.